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        I went to the Philippines in December and had an enjoyable visit with my brother. While there, I thought of visiting the Ateneo campus but decided against it because I felt that visiting the campus alone would not be sufficient. I did not know anybody in the school with whom to arrange a visit.

         I got back to Toronto at the end of December and what was awaiting me in the mail but the "Ateneo Guidon." The cover was the changing Ateneo campus; how sad that I did not visit the campus. Perhaps I can do it next time and hopefully, I get a contact whom I can phone beforehand. At the moment, however, I do not know when my next visit to the Philippines might be.

        I have been receiving the "Guidon" for over 2 years now. I do not know how you managed to get my address in Toronto but the "Guidon" has been arriving in the mail religiously. I did not even receive anything from De La Salle where I went after finishing high school at Ateneo. I enjoy reading the news of the Ateneo even though it is now over 35 years that I graduated from high school. I hope to continue receiving it.

         Perhaps, I might tell you a little about what I have been doing since I graduated from Ateneo High School in 1963.

         I moved to De La Salle where I graduated summa cum laude in Lia Com in 1968. I then took the CPA bar exams which I topped and then left the Philippines to do my MBA at Harvard. I had every intention of returning to the Philippines after graduation, but life takes a curve and we make other choices. When I finished my MBA, I decided to work in agri-business research in Managua, Nicaragua for a year.  This would be useful back in the Philippines. It was while I was in Managua that I decided not to return home.

        Here is why. I came to the realization then that I was gay (homosexual) and that I could not go back to a small, closed society like Manila. I did not want to hurt the family because of this condition and needed the anonymity of North American life. So I decided to immigrate. Getting into the US was difficult, so I ended up in Toronto, Canada. I got here in 1974 and it will be 25 years this year that I have been living here. While waiting for my Canadian immigration papers, I lived and worked in Colombia and Mexico. Although my first choice was the States, I am glad I actually came to Toronto. ...

        Shortly after I got to Toronto, I landed a job with Citibank. My anonymity in Toronto allowed me to live a double life: closeted, conservative at work and gay life after work. But I was very discreet and very troubled about what I was doing. I knew I was the way I was but thought that it was wrong. It took me a long time to accept myself the way I am fully. After five years in Toronto, I met a guy who became my partner (spouse, companion, whatever you want to call it) for ten years. We were both professionals and very much in the closet, but our relationship nurtured us.

        After ten years in banking, I decided that I wanted to work in an area where helping others was the focus. With the encouragement and support of my partner, I moved to the non-profit sector, which is where I have been for the past 15 years. Much lower pay, but much more meaningful. I had not lost sight of what I had learned from the Jesuits: to be in the service to others.

         In 1987, after a ten-year relationship, my partner died. This was a traumatic event in my life. I was grieving but could not share my grief openly; my partner was not my spouse in the traditional sense of the word. Lonely, isolated and grieving, I began to search out the gay community, a community that understood my grief and with whom I could share myself fully. And slowly I started accepting myself completely, becoming open about my sexuality, sharing in the work and struggles of the gay community, and finding a wonderful social life with gay friends. Many of these friends were also Catholic and spiritual. At around this time, I decided to do something for my personal and spiritual growth and started taking theology courses in Theology College. These courses ultimately led to a Masters of Divinity degree.  While studying part-time, I worked with the gay and lesbian church as their financial manager. I also met an open priest who helped me continue my process of self-acceptance, accepting myself as gay and knowing that God loves me as I am. Such priests have been a source of guidance and support in my quest for spirituality, a true spirituality where I accept myself as a gay person, and integrate my sexuality and spirituality. My retreat director was also such a person as well as the pastor of my church, a very gay-positive Catholic church. ...

        A little over a year ago, I realized one of my ambitions of working actively in the gay community. I am now Director of Finance and Information Systems of Casey House Hospice, the first freestanding hospice for people living with AIDS in the world. I enjoy my job and like working in this area. I have a good relationship with God, one that is built on trust and love, and not on fear. And I know that God made me the way I am and loves me the way I am. And if God does, so should I. It is an ongoing journey of acceptance and spirituality, and I like where I am. This difficult journey has enabled me to accept my mother's illness (Alzheimer's disease), accept her as she is now, and truly enjoy my visits with her.

        That, in a nutshell, is what has transpired for me since I left Ateneo 35 years ago, and there I am now. Blessings on you all, and may the Jesuits and lay people at the Ateneo continue their service to others in the name of God.
 

This article has been adapted from the one published in the "Ateneo Alumni Guidon," a college newsletter from in the Phillippines, April 1999,Vol. V, No. 1.

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